1. Hi Lucia, why are you crying?
– it’s terrible… I stepped on a cockroach!!!
– don’t worry about that, I’m sure you got plenty more cockroaches left in your flat…
– I know, but this one was my FAVOURITE COCKROACH!!!!
2. How do you get a perfectly fitted and most flattering wedding dress?
– you propose to the dress designer.
3. A KFC young worker gets back home after a long shift appearing elated.
– Danny, we re going to be rich! I managed to steal the KFC legendary secret recipe.
– Well done girl, that’s my babes!… so what’s the secret recipe?
– Easy! To invest all the tips in Jamie Oliver assets….
4. A girl walks into a fashion store.
– I’d like a bathing suit to take to the nudist beach, please!
– okay. Given your voluptuous figure, I would suggest these three items.
– thanks! Says the girl, and walks out of the shop without making a payment.
The clerk runs after her and shouts,
– Madame, you need to pay us 265 dollars for the swimming gear!
– Absolutely not, says the clever girl, I have told you already the bathing suits are for the nudist beach!!!
5. How do you help your kid get a degree in mathematics?
– you make him guess the food weight in pounds, stones and kilograms before lunch!
6- A young rock n roller walks into a flashy, new, out of range designer store.
– I’d like one of those perfumes you are selling that smells like a cheap whore.
– Sure! Says the clerk, Is it for your girlfriend?
7. Two friends meet up after twenty years. One asks the other,
– Geena, how do you manage to look so young and beautiful?
– Easy, I wash my hair with Alsatian shampoo, have only kitten snacks for lunch, and exercise every morning on the hamster wheel.
Her friend bursts into laughter.
– So is this so? Do you also go to the Vet for health check- ups?
– No, I can’t, the Vet has banned me from his surgery. He says I always pee over his carpet….
8- How do you make a frigid vegetarian orgasm?
– You sit her down and you force her to watch you gobble fifteen cheeseburgers until you finish them up!
9. A young man is crying in the underground. A sympathetic elderly lady asks him,
– Are you OK, Sir? Why do you look so upset?
– Boo, hoo, hoo! My wife says I am a heartless criminal and has chucked me out of the house, my lover says I’m as cold as the Artic, and my favourite call girl says people like me should be locked up in chicken cages…. boo hoo hooo…
– Why don’t you call your mother then, for some true love and affection?
– I can’t call my mother, because I slaughtered her two years ago… boo hooo hoooo…
Time to get back to work, thanks for sharing!!!