Jokes as an Appetiser!

Jokes!

1. Hi Jenny, how are you?
– Not too well, you know. I had to break up with Dan.
– How come? He treats you like a Princess!
– He bought me a Cartier watch.
– Are you joking? Is your self-esteem that low, as to dump him because he treats you?
– No, it’s just that he had wrapped the watch in loo paper!

2. A happy family are having dinner. The youngest son of the family is refusing to eat his spaghetti.
– Why aren’t you eating, son? Is it because you have a tummy ache?
– No, mum. It’s because the food today tastes like soggy boobs!
– Whaaaat? You are going to tell me straightaway who is the sick, sex deprived person who has taught you that!!!
– Well, mum… its Dad!!!

3. Twelve parents are eagerly learning parenting skills at the local library. Their kids have been misbehaving.
– Today were going to tackle the forbidding issue, says the course leader. In order to persuade a child not to do something,  you must persuade him in a clever way, instead of forbidding it all short.
So I want you all to go home and forbid your kids to eat chewing gum, three times a day.
So the parents go home.
The next week they all meet up again.
– How did our exercise go for each of you? Please tell me one by one about your experiences.
– Well, says one of the parents,  my child has been excellent,  I have not smelt a glimpse of mint on my kid’s breathe, and his appetite has increased three fold.
– How strange… you have a promising child! And you Sally?
– I’m totally disappointed.  I found an arson of chewing gum hidden underneath my son’s bed.
– Don’t be disappointed! This behaviour is common. I shall explain later. How about you over there?
The lady he points to breaks into tears.
– I am bankrupt now!
They all look her.
– How’s that?
– I had to pay five thousand Dollars to bail my daughter from jail… because she went and hijacked a candy factory!!!

4. A woman goes for advice to a therapist.
– My life’s a nightmare. You see, my husband wakes me up very often at four o’clock in the morning and starts abusing me. He wants me to swear for my life that I haven’t slept with his best friend, his boss nor his brother.
– That’s not a difficult problem! All you need to do is to swear for your life that this  isn’t true.
– But I can’t…. because it’s true!

5. A girl calls up her best friend, crying.
– I’m fed up of Tom! He keeps on gifting me with tasteless stuff!
– Hey Geena, you shouldn’t be upset. That’s very sweet of him, even if the gifts don’t match your taste. It just prooves how precious you are to him.
– Not at all!
– What do you mean?
– All the gifts are stolen from his mum’s cupboards!

The End.

Jokes. Seriously.

1. A remote village was experiencing a strange phenomena. Many women were being locked up in the local psychiatric ward after claiming the Sheriff’s wife kept a tyrannosaurus in her garden.
One day the tyrannosaurus appears in a straight jacket at the hospital ward.
– You see, Doctor, we were all right! There is a dinosaur in the village! You’ve got to release us all!
– None of that, says the shrink,  this is not a dinosaur, it is the actually the Sheriff himself who has developed bizarre sexual fantasies, and agressively refuses to remove his tyrannosaurus attire!

2. Have you heard about the new genetically modified Brussel sprouts that don’t give you any wind?
– They have a 3 hour span until the expiry date!

3. A ninety year old lady walks into the Chemist and orders a pregnancy test.
– Is it for you, madam?
Asks the chemist.
– Of course it is! Says the old lady with a cheeky smile.
– I would not like to disappoint you, but you can save your money, I can guarantee you you are not pregnant.
– What you on about, you jealous bitch!! If you only knew what an orgy we had with the national football team last night, you’d be cracking in awe…

4. Hi, Johnny! Long time no see… what’s up?
– I got a new parrot three months ago, he’s really funny: drinks whiskey,  smokes cigars and plays poker with me.
-Oh, that’s interesting! Does the parrot go curb crawling with you, too?
– Oh no, I can’t take him to visit the girls, they all say he gives them a very rough time…

5. A young couple goes to the local swimming pool at 4 am.
– Sorry guys,  but the pool opens at 8 am, I can’t let you in. Anyway…. why would anyone want a swim at this time of the morning? Asks the security guard.
– You see, the possibility of getting bitten by a shark really turns on our sex drive!

6. A teenager comes back home one evening with an itch over her ear.
– Mom, a spider has bitten me!
– Oh, sweetheart, what a naughty spider.  What was his name?
– I don’t know his name,  but he gave me 50 Dollars compensation for biting me!

7. Doctor, there’s a funny ghost who haunts my flat and doesn’t let me sleep.
– How is that?
– He spends the night chewing strawberry gum and making bubbles beside my bed.
– I wouldn’t see why you couldn’t sleep anyway…
– Well, I can’t resist the urge of bursting the old man’s bubbles with a needle all night long!

The End.

Thanks for sharing!!!!

A Letter to My Bones.

Oh Bones of mine, I beg you once again,

To take me places, allow me to spend,

But don’t let me commit stupidity…

Don’t let me fail to men.

You have inspired the bluest Love from so many of my encounters,

You have granted me amazing experiences during this life off-shore,

You obey me, I treat you rough, you don’t complain…. I don’t understand.

If you could only hear my voice asking myself to stop being foolish,

To stop a life of excess, to stop the way I’m reckless,

I wouldn’t be so moody.

So please help me come to my senses, oh my best friends,

Please let God forgive me, so that I can rest,

Lie on my bed, look back, and say “I did the right thing”.

The End.

Jokes for No Reason!

1.  Hi Lucia, why are you crying?
– it’s terrible… I stepped on a cockroach!!!
– don’t worry about that, I’m sure you got plenty more cockroaches left in your flat…
– I know, but this one was my FAVOURITE COCKROACH!!!!

2. How do you get a perfectly fitted and most flattering wedding dress?
– you propose to the dress designer.

3. A KFC young worker gets back home after a long shift  appearing elated.
– Danny, we re going to be rich! I managed to steal the KFC legendary secret recipe.
– Well done girl, that’s my babes!… so what’s the secret recipe?
– Easy! To invest all the tips in Jamie Oliver assets….

4. A girl walks into a fashion store.
– I’d like a bathing suit to take to the nudist beach, please!
– okay. Given your voluptuous figure, I would suggest these three items.
– thanks! Says the girl, and walks out of the shop without making a payment.
The clerk runs after her and shouts,
– Madame, you need to pay us 265 dollars for the swimming gear!
– Absolutely not, says the clever girl, I have told you already the bathing suits are for the nudist beach!!!

5. How do you help your kid get a degree in mathematics?
– you make him guess the food weight in pounds,  stones and kilograms before lunch!

6- A young rock n roller walks into a flashy, new, out of range designer store.
– I’d like one of those perfumes you are selling that smells like a cheap whore.

– Sure!  Says the clerk, Is it for your girlfriend?

7. Two friends meet up after twenty years. One asks the other,

– Geena, how do you manage to look so young and beautiful?

Geena replies,

– Easy,  I wash my hair with Alsatian shampoo, have only kitten snacks for lunch, and exercise every morning on the hamster wheel.

Her friend bursts into laughter.

– So is this so? Do you also go to the Vet for health check- ups?

– No, I can’t, the Vet has banned me from his surgery. He says I always pee over his carpet….

8- How do you make a frigid vegetarian orgasm?
– You sit her down and you force her to watch you gobble fifteen cheeseburgers until you finish them up!

9. A young man is crying in the underground. A sympathetic elderly lady asks him,


– Are you OK, Sir? Why do you look so upset?

– Boo, hoo, hoo! My wife says I am a heartless criminal and has chucked me out of the house, my lover says I’m as cold as the Artic, and my favourite call girl says people like me should be locked up in chicken cages…. boo hoo hooo…


– Why don’t you call your mother then, for some true love and affection?


– I can’t call my mother, because I slaughtered her two years ago… boo hooo hoooo…

Time to get back to work, thanks for sharing!!!

Sandra xxxx

Intelligent Generosity

Bruna had had it all, lost it all, and regained it all.

A successful career in Art Curating at a top London Museum, a dream husband, a bustling social life and money to make out paper boats til the oceans got polluted.

During her 3 year of marriage to Tom, an angry security officer from their mansion had taken an intimate video from their bedroom nest and posted it online, after blackmailing the couple with no success.

Her friends had told her to give in to the blackmailing or they would lose it all, but she didn’t listen.

As a result, her marriage broke apart, her reputation was seriously stained , and her affluent social circle turned its back on her.

But luckily, all the money they had accrued was split and she had a good eye for investments.

Once going out of Pimlico’s Sainsburys, she spotted three homeless beggars looking desperate and needy. Her creative mind lit a new star and she went to the local printer to get some badges done.

Even though she felt she was heading to a dangerous adventure, her heart was stubborn and the next day she took her basket full of badges and went to meet the homeless.

“Hi, my name’s Bruna, I got this magic badge to increase your earnings. I hope it helps you spend the money wisely and sort out your situation. Good luck!”

The homeless lad put the badge on as a trophy, and soon the Magic started to deploy itself.

Customers from the supermarket were giving the homeless money for errands, the homeless felt dignified, wealthier, more respected and jolly, for the badge read “I’ll carry your bags for 2 pounds 50”.

One week later Bruno bumped into a group of six homeless who threw themselves to her arms, exploding with gratitude and wanting more badges for their friends.

She offered to take them to a cafe and get to know them.

They couldn’t stop talking all at the same time, telling terrible stories of addiction, crime, love and loss, so Bruna had to tell them ” one at a time!”

In 36 years of reading horror novels and having military friends, her heart had never been gripped in such a manner. Halfway through the stories she wished she’d just go deaf.

These youngsters seemed trustworthy since they opened their souls to her, so she gave each a business card of hers.

What happened after was a tale of friendship, joy, betrayal and forgiveness.

She met with the group once a week at the same cafe and brought presents to all, because they were making positive changes into their lives and were repentant of their past misdoings.

Soon it would be Christmas.

Many of the friends were washing cars, walking dogs, cleaning windows, and getting help for their addictions.

Bruna turned pale when she heard a TV presenter say “many of us will be spending Christmas alone”.

So she organised a Christmas meal for the twelve at her flat, bought garnments for the girls and lads, decorated her flat like a school hall, cooked her best, and they all had the jolliest time of the year.

She didn’t mind, her phone did not ring once from her old friends from the Museum lot.

They ended up drunk, Bruna fell asleep on the couch, and the next morning her purple star had turned into a deadly Asteroid.

She had been robbed by them.

A panic attack took hold of her once she saw her family portrait, which was framed in gold, had gone missing too. Even her landlines handset had disappeared.

She was too hungover to go confront them or go through the Police route.

She called Tom. He was emotional to hear her and they stayed two hours on the phone.

While she was dozing off, the doorbell rung, she saw a huge pile of flowers and asked who it was.

“I’m amazed by your bravoury and generosity. I got a new job which I prefer not to talk about, but let me in and lets catch up. I got a friend who can help get your family portrait in minutes”, said Tom.

“okay…. could you go go buy some fresh orange juice, please?”

“definitely not .”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I’ll squeezed twenty oranges with my bare hands for you.”

The glass was broken, but the picture was intact.

“please tell me, what job are you doing?”

“I’d rather not tell you, it’s sensitive…”

“go on, tell me”

“okay. I’m in the counter blackmailing department with the police”

“I thought you’d end up dog walking!”

” never, after having had a wife like You.”

Tom did not leave her side for ten days in a row, only to get out the garbage, and soon they got the Portrait back.

“I want to tell you a thing, please forgive these friends of yours as they said they are burning with shame. Addiction is a very tricky thing”.

“I’ll need some time for that…”

The End.

I’m as gorgeous as you want me to be…

A couple of Jokes to enjoy a snoozing proof weekend..

1. What do modern cannibals enjoy the most for dinner?
– obese AIs in barbecue sauce!

2. A new cook is enjoying success after the guests can’t stop praising her skills.
She decides to listen a little behind the door for an extra ego boost.
– If this young lady’s food so succulent, says one, just think about how good she would taste with parmesan cheese!
The cook storms into the dining room and says,
– Sorry guys, I’m allergic to parmesan cheese….

3. A man walks into a pet store and asks to be shown the ugliest dog.
– We’re sorry, Sir, we don’t do ugly dogs here… but we’d be very happy to offer you a pig?
– What you on about, pigs don’t understand insults!!!

4. Yet another angry pet store customer brings in his puppy. The puppy looks very happy, unlike his owner.
– Ma’am, I am very disappointed with this dog, he only eats cash notes! I’m already broke after feeding him all my savings for two weeks, and I’m scared I’ll lose my flat.
– That’s not a problem! Just feed him with a currency with very high inflation like Bolivar. Should be cheaper to you!

5. Tracey… look at me! I’ve lost 2 stones with the help of a diet based on chocolate and beer!
– Hey, that’s amazing, could you give me your dietician’s cell number please?
– No, I can’t, he’s serving a long prison sentence for stealing classified diets and selling them!

The End.

Please Share and enjoy your well deserved… or not so well deserved Weekend!!! xxx

For further Jokes, please click here.

Boxing Day Jokes!

Funny Jokes to share on Boxing Day . Enjoy!

1- A man walks into a petshop named “skilled puppies”.
The clerk shows him around;
– We’ve got this excellent malterser,  great for kids, he is trained to help them with their homework,  win races and tidy the bedroom.
Then we’ve got this cute Yorkshire Terrier who is a gourmet and can help you better your cooking skills.
– Not for me, the customer says.
– We also have this great labrador, he can drive your stunning wife to the mall in your corvette and help her choose nice garments.
– Okay, I’ll take it! How much is it, please?
– Two hundred dollars. Thanks. Here you are Sir, packed and ready!
– Wait a minute… where’s the corvette and my stunning new wife?

2- A young teenager is stopped by Police for not wearing a Mask, for the third time.
– This is the third time we fine you, young man. Can you explain your behavior?
– Sure I can! If you keep fining me I won’t have any cash to buy some masks!!!

3- A young boy who is achieving great grades keeps asking his mum for cash to buy Bitcoins.
The mother dreams his son hits the millions, for his teacher has told her he’s a genius.
She has mentioned to all of her friends about her plans to buy a villa in Costa Rica and retire there early.
But on Christmas Eve she finds a bag of chocolate dices under her genius son’s bed.
– What are these, honey? I told you many times that chocolate rots your teeth..
– They’re my Bitcoins!!!

4- A man sitting at the airport is approached by a young hippy.
– Please, Sir, could you lend me 1000 Dollars for a ticket to Sydney? You see, my girlfriend said she will dump me if I go one more day without visiting her, and she’s the love of my life…
Since the passenger’s loaded wish money,  he doesn’t mind lending this young hippy the cash.
– Here you are young fellow, I hope it all goes well with your lady…
– Thanks! Can I also borrow 400 Dollars to bring back some souvenirs to my mum- who can’t stand my girlfriend?

5-  Mum, I am going out with a real policewoman, I’m so excited!
– Ummm, Johnny, how do you know she’s a real policewoman,  and not a con?
– Well, she tased me twenty times after I failed to satisfy her in bed…

6- An obese woman comes back from Jamaica appearing to have lost 20 Ibs.
– How did you acheive this, girl? Asks her best friend.
– Easy! Every time I asked the dealer for slimming pills, he started to run 3 miles,  and after chasing him for 20 days all my clothes were dropping off!

The End.

That’s all for today, friends!

Thanks for sharing…

The Burning Heater that sent Her Jogging.

How an abusive friend lost her power over her prey to health, fitness, and Love.

One year into the Pandemic, Celia couldn’t help laughing at all those joggers who had taken wise opportunity from the virus to embrace a new healthy life, heading to the Streets of London before sunrise to chase that awesome “joggers high”.

Nope. Instead, she had found a gaming buddy to be a regular at the arcades and shoot dinosaurs.

That day of September, Celia had mentioned to her buddy Lesly how much she missed her Japanese ex, how she was orbiting him online- and how much she wished she could find someone new.

To her appal, Lesly just said ” you must have done something wrong to lose Lee, and you won’t find a boyfriend here at the arcades”.

Suddenly, as the first dinosaur splurged with blood almost staining her t-shirt, Celia remembered she had left the heating on inside her room in her flat!

” I’ve got to run home!! the heater…. I forgot to switch it off… it can cause a fire…”

” Dont be silly, Celiannis! heaters don’t cause fire…”

For the first time she chose to ignore this bully, walk out on here and save her building from disaster.

No time to wait for a bus. She took her high heels off and ran barefoot all the way home, wishing she had never followed Lesly into smoking and drinking, and thinking she had to run as fast as she could, for there were children living in the building.

She had no breathe. She was dying like a dinosaur shot by Lesly.

She even threw away her 200 pound shoes on the way… just to be able to run faster.

Nobody on the street noticed she was barefoot- and she didn’t care either.

Twenty minutes later, oh my Goodness Thank You, there were no fire engines on her street, everything was quiet, no smoke smell… just an awful heat capable of roasting Leslys dinosaurs in five minutes.

Yes, she had left the heater at maximum level because Lesly had been calling her impatiently.

Funnily enough, that night she got a text from Lee asking her if she had rebuilt a new life?!

” You missed all the fun you looney, said Lesly, I beat the record and I had twelve three games, and some hot guys joined in… you wouldn’t have wanted to miss that even if your stuff was on fire!!!”

The next day Celia had excruciating pain up her shins and thighs. And the day after.

Three days later, before going to bed, she switched the heating off and wrote down

“Monday. 8 AM. Warm up, jogging, shower. Look for a job. Clean the heater.”

Like a divine order, her diary woke her up at 5 AM, for it has moved underneath her belly and was giving her dinosaur nightmares.

Celia got up, didn’t switch the heater on at all, and headed to Hyde Park to experience the mysterious joys those go-getters had every morning.

She remembered her shoes, 200 quid! but this didn’t stop her. She could only jog for 6 minutes the first day, 7 the next, and after three months she’s now doing 40 minutes plus dancing lessons after her new job…. at the shop where she bought the heater!

Yes, indeed. She wanted to warn all the customers never to leave a heater unattended.

How about the shoes? Well, this is the best bit. An elderly lady had picked them up and told a bus driver a woman in distress had threw them away, and she pointed at Celia.

After difficult efforts to find her, Sean, the bus driver accidentally bumbed into Celia and told her they had her shoes. He gave her an amazing tour of the Bus Central station and asked her out.

Lesly was furious, but when she burst into tears after 3 months not seeing her friend a tenderly bone emerged to surface, and she told Celia that she had always felt for her as a sister and missed her friendship greatly. She said she would sign up for dancing lessons with her.

Soon Sean found a match for Lesly, and on New Years’ Eve they all went to shoot dinosaurs… in 500 pound High heels!!!

The End.

Based on a true story.

Thanks for reading!

Please Share….

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The Wine Store Con.

Tim was looking forward to stockpiling on Jack Daniels for the Long Weekend, and he didn’t know whether it was seeing Natalie’s smile at the till, or wasting three full days being drunk, and watching TV- what was he wanted most…

He found Natalie sporting a tracksuit for the first time. She let him skip the queue as usual.

Tim has been an open alcoholic since he divorced 4 years ago, so he had given up hopes on finding a job and paying for all those credit cards. The girl looked happy and sad at the same time.

– You okay Natalie?

– Sure I’m okay, just trying to grow a beard for Monday…take these bags of yours, I packed the best deals for you!

– Only nineteen pounds?

– Yep… you might also want a phone voucher?

– What for? to call my imaginary friends?

– You never know! make up your mind quick Tim, the queue…

– ok then, a voucher please…

The bags weren’t so heavy.

Once he got home, he lit the fire, put on the Friday Comedy Shows, and got a nasty surprise…. orange juice! pomegranate juice! carrot juice! AND NO JACK DANIELS!

Instead, a Yoga Mat and a Beginners Yoga Book… now he couldn’t go back to Natalie’s for it was closing already… what on earth was Natalie on about?

“Hey, this yoga book is really beautiful…. I’ll try these out.. ” he was thinking about how to get Natalie sacked from the store at the beginning, but soon started feeling a compelling Love for her, as his body stretched and the knots up his back loosened….

“Gosh, this is kinda cool…”

After the first Yoga Chapter he sipped half the Carrot Juice and had a lovely warm shower, then forgot to switch off the TV set and fell asleep.

The next morning he had had beautiful dreams, and the letterbox opening brutally woke him up.

Through the letterbox someone had slipped cut out local job adverts from local magazines, like they were especially chosen for him….

He went through them.

He picked a few, and with the credit he had bought the night before he rung up five or six, and by 4 pm he had two interviews.

” oh, Natalie”, he thought to himself.

He couldn’t wait to give her the good news he got a job as a concierge at the main Hotel.

He wasn’t thinking of drinking anymore, only about the yoga and carrot juice. In a way, he was still secretly angry at Natalie.

The week after he thought he’d give himself a good boy whiskey treat and went to Natalie’s. To his surprise, a different girl was serving at the till.

– Do you have Jack Daniels?

– Natalie told me we can’t serve you any alcohol…

– But where is she?

– She took a sabbatical year to go to India and get her Yoga Teachers certificate… if you don’t buy alcohol you can give me your number and she’ll be in touch.

– But I could walk into any other store and buy some!

– Nope, Natalie’s got an eye on you…

– okay then, here’s my number…. and can I have three carrot juices please?

– Sure. it’s only five pounds. She winked at him.

– I hope Natalie gets her certificate soon, so I can teach her some Proper Yoga!!!!

The End.

Thanks for sharing!

Weaving Decadence.

If weaving Beauty, Patterns and Snapshots of the Human Mysterious Soul is her day to day job, once a month…. the Artist needs to blend into the World and touch the Ground.

She knows when her big Night is nearby, since her Studio has become like a Squat and she needs to flee, to compete against the sweet bees for the City’s Nectar.

For the World is jealous of her gift, and keeps nagging her dream job and accusing her from Laziness to being a Parasite.

Off she goes with her biker boots, Chanel Rouge and favourite Leather Bomber Jacket to savour the acidity of the traffic. And yes, she’s going to enjoy her night alone.

Four miles she walks under the reckless rain, no umbrella, no lady bag, letting the tides of savageness take her back and forth to the darkest and most prohibited places of the City.

Time has not a Clock here. The raindrops mark the accelerating Rythm of mediocrity.

Mediocrity that pays for her Bills.

In awe, she watches the languishing souls, hungry for the beauty and passion she delivers everyday.

Some stare at her, some try and kick her, but like a ballerina, she keeps pure and uncontaminated by the city’s dirt.

Jettons placed and jokes exchanged, she has captured the Devils work. She is so grateful she has never asked him a single favour.

Before she realises, she is home, and has no idea where all this cash in her purse came from…. yet she is delighted with it.

Her cat stares at her and is wondering when dinner shall be served to him!

She looks around- needs to do her monthly cleaning and start her new sketches.

She has taken revenge over this aggressive World, and she knows, no matter what, her innocence shall never be snatched again.

Slipping into her Hello Kitty pijamas, she cannot see her reflection in the mirror for she had 3 beers, and drops to sleep excited about the happy ending nightmares she is to experience.

Images of pedestrians crossing the road in the red lights start flashing by, and her new garments await for the next escapade.

The Artist is fed with Decadence, to process and feed the masses…. who pay for the cats food and biker boots.

The End.