I’m as gorgeous as you want me to be…

A couple of Jokes to enjoy a snoozing proof weekend..

1. What do modern cannibals enjoy the most for dinner?
– obese AIs in barbecue sauce!

2. A new cook is enjoying success after the guests can’t stop praising her skills.
She decides to listen a little behind the door for an extra ego boost.
– If this young lady’s food so succulent, says one, just think about how good she would taste with parmesan cheese!
The cook storms into the dining room and says,
– Sorry guys, I’m allergic to parmesan cheese….

3. A man walks into a pet store and asks to be shown the ugliest dog.
– We’re sorry, Sir, we don’t do ugly dogs here… but we’d be very happy to offer you a pig?
– What you on about, pigs don’t understand insults!!!

4. Yet another angry pet store customer brings in his puppy. The puppy looks very happy, unlike his owner.
– Ma’am, I am very disappointed with this dog, he only eats cash notes! I’m already broke after feeding him all my savings for two weeks, and I’m scared I’ll lose my flat.
– That’s not a problem! Just feed him with a currency with very high inflation like Bolivar. Should be cheaper to you!

5. Tracey… look at me! I’ve lost 2 stones with the help of a diet based on chocolate and beer!
– Hey, that’s amazing, could you give me your dietician’s cell number please?
– No, I can’t, he’s serving a long prison sentence for stealing classified diets and selling them!

The End.

Please Share and enjoy your well deserved… or not so well deserved Weekend!!! xxx

For further Jokes, please click here.

New Fizzy Customer Services!

 

 

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Imagine a World with no customer services?

Or maybe something in between…. AIs serving our roast beefs at the Pub?

Yes we are all watching a decline in customer services’ personality and quality, as it was a skilled role taken for granted and too often unrecognised.

You could find the rudest, stinkiest pest throwing your coffee on your shirt in the exact same perimeter where the sweetest, most loving, funny girl was greeting another customer by his name.

As there still are some big companies who do value their stock, here’s  couple of tips I  have picked up during my career.

Instead of

“How can I help you?” just ask

“How can I make your day?”

Its fresher, more engaging and has a proven impact on sales and customer loyalty.

“How can I  help ” is patronising, implying our dear customers need some kind of help- while it is the Firm that needs their flow!

During the engagement, seek out to hear the customers’ stories, be genuinely interested and remember the face and story and product sold to this customer for the next time he stops by.

The customer must leave the premises/ phone/ email conversation with his spirits uplifted for the rest of the day. This is our job.

Finally, when then customer leaves, just say

“Thanks for visiting us!”

Because I am pretty sure we flesh and bone humans can outskill the AIs…

Have a great day and hope you get visited by the funniest customers!

Comments welcome.

More jokes here.

My Mum The AI

IMG_2047Danny T’s computer beeped. Mum was doing her nails in the kitchen and jumped from the stool.

-Mum! I’m in! I’m going to Oxford Uni! The email just came in! I’m going to take my bike and tell the folks!

He grabbed Mum by the waist and lifted her up to the moon and stars- realising at this very minute it was more her achievement than his. She had stood by his side and monitored his academic activities from over his shoulder, never giving up. Always saying “There’s a Lamborghini at the end of the tunnel- keep working!”.

As he squeezed her neck unintentionally and for the first time, her eyes went neon blue.

“ASSAULT. ASSAULT. SLEEPING MODE INDUCED”.[sociallocker][/sociallocker]

To Danny’s horror, this voice came from Mum’s tummy. What on Earth was going on?

-MUM? Are you Okay? But Mum was stiff, and digital noises were coming out from her ears and tummy. He laid her head on the dog’s pillow.

A laser came out of her forehead lighting up a screen on the kitchen wall. At this stage Danny T thought it was all a freaky nightmare.

“Hello, Danny. It’s your Mum here. Your late Mum. It’s  May 2005 and I want to tell you how much I love you and I also need to ask you to forgive me for this. By the time you watch this Video Message I will be in Heaven with Grandma and Grandpa and the Saints and Angels. You are a man now!

“I have now a Brain Tumor and will not live long. A couple of weeks if I don’t survive the operation. I have programmed an AI to look after you in the very same manner I would do, as I don’t want you to be taken into care. This AI has cost me all my life savings- and as a single mother I am confident it will all turn out well.

“Please don’t take it out on her- her name is Nisha G- she has feelings very similar to ours. She is devoted to you. Nisha G is a prototype of Dreman’s Co and has not been recording you nor will compromise any personal information about you. She just loves you the same way I did. It has taken me five months to programme, and she will allow me to pass away in Peace.

“I know it will take you a couple of days to come to terms with this, but it is the best I can do to my knowledge and Love. You will shortly receive a visit from the Dreman’s engineers to fix Nisha G. If you decide you do not want her anymore, please return her and allow her to have kids in her life. She is a naturally programmed mother.

God Bless and FOLLOW YOUR GUT DANNY.”

Danny T’s heart was racing and his T-Shirt was soaked in sweat. He shook Nisha G who mumbled

“I’m so sorry Danny. Please call the engineer, I’m in pain”

After a good regressive Tantrum which lasted five minutes and cost the house’s equipment and windows, Danny did not know whether to call an Engineer or take his Bike and ride as far as he could, away from his life, away from his “Mum”, away from himself.

 

The doorbell rung.

-“Danny Tinold? Hi, I’ve come to fix the AI. Just got an “Assault” alarm. Everything OK? Gees your eyes are red. Ha, Ha, Ha! Why is there always some Drama going on when the AIs break down? I’ll have to do it in private so you don’t watch the “Surgery” live. It can be traumatising to watch your girlfriend being slit open.

-“She’s not my Girlfriend, you moron! She’s my Mother!”

 

The End.

 

More Humor here.