1. Hi Jenny, how are you?
– Not too well, you know. I had to break up with Dan.
– How come? He treats you like a Princess!
– He bought me a Cartier watch.
– Are you joking? Is your self-esteem that low, as to dump him because he treats you?
– No, it’s just that he had wrapped the watch in loo paper!
2. A happy family are having dinner. The youngest son of the family is refusing to eat his spaghetti.
– Why aren’t you eating, son? Is it because you have a tummy ache?
– No, mum. It’s because the food today tastes like soggy boobs!
– Whaaaat? You are going to tell me straightaway who is the sick, sex deprived person who has taught you that!!!
– Well, mum… its Dad!!!
3. Twelve parents are eagerly learning parenting skills at the local library. Their kids have been misbehaving.
– Today were going to tackle the forbidding issue, says the course leader. In order to persuade a child not to do something, you must persuade him in a clever way, instead of forbidding it all short.
So I want you all to go home and forbid your kids to eat chewing gum, three times a day.
So the parents go home.
The next week they all meet up again.
– How did our exercise go for each of you? Please tell me one by one about your experiences.
– Well, says one of the parents, my child has been excellent, I have not smelt a glimpse of mint on my kid’s breathe, and his appetite has increased three fold.
– How strange… you have a promising child! And you Sally?
– I’m totally disappointed. I found an arson of chewing gum hidden underneath my son’s bed.
– Don’t be disappointed! This behaviour is common. I shall explain later. How about you over there?
The lady he points to breaks into tears.
– I am bankrupt now!
They all look her.
– How’s that?
– I had to pay five thousand Dollars to bail my daughter from jail… because she went and hijacked a candy factory!!!
4. A woman goes for advice to a therapist.
– My life’s a nightmare. You see, my husband wakes me up very often at four o’clock in the morning and starts abusing me. He wants me to swear for my life that I haven’t slept with his best friend, his boss nor his brother.
– That’s not a difficult problem! All you need to do is to swear for your life that this isn’t true.
– But I can’t…. because it’s true!
5. A girl calls up her best friend, crying.
– I’m fed up of Tom! He keeps on gifting me with tasteless stuff!
– Hey Geena, you shouldn’t be upset. That’s very sweet of him, even if the gifts don’t match your taste. It just prooves how precious you are to him.
– Not at all!
– What do you mean?
– All the gifts are stolen from his mum’s cupboards!