Jokes. Seriously.

1. A remote village was experiencing a strange phenomena. Many women were being locked up in the local psychiatric ward after claiming the Sheriff’s wife kept a tyrannosaurus in her garden.
One day the tyrannosaurus appears in a straight jacket at the hospital ward.
– You see, Doctor, we were all right! There is a dinosaur in the village! You’ve got to release us all!
– None of that, says the shrink,  this is not a dinosaur, it is the actually the Sheriff himself who has developed bizarre sexual fantasies, and agressively refuses to remove his tyrannosaurus attire!

2. Have you heard about the new genetically modified Brussel sprouts that don’t give you any wind?
– They have a 3 hour span until the expiry date!

3. A ninety year old lady walks into the Chemist and orders a pregnancy test.
– Is it for you, madam?
Asks the chemist.
– Of course it is! Says the old lady with a cheeky smile.
– I would not like to disappoint you, but you can save your money, I can guarantee you you are not pregnant.
– What you on about, you jealous bitch!! If you only knew what an orgy we had with the national football team last night, you’d be cracking in awe…

4. Hi, Johnny! Long time no see… what’s up?
– I got a new parrot three months ago, he’s really funny: drinks whiskey,  smokes cigars and plays poker with me.
-Oh, that’s interesting! Does the parrot go curb crawling with you, too?
– Oh no, I can’t take him to visit the girls, they all say he gives them a very rough time…

5. A young couple goes to the local swimming pool at 4 am.
– Sorry guys,  but the pool opens at 8 am, I can’t let you in. Anyway…. why would anyone want a swim at this time of the morning? Asks the security guard.
– You see, the possibility of getting bitten by a shark really turns on our sex drive!

6. A teenager comes back home one evening with an itch over her ear.
– Mom, a spider has bitten me!
– Oh, sweetheart, what a naughty spider.  What was his name?
– I don’t know his name,  but he gave me 50 Dollars compensation for biting me!

7. Doctor, there’s a funny ghost who haunts my flat and doesn’t let me sleep.
– How is that?
– He spends the night chewing strawberry gum and making bubbles beside my bed.
– I wouldn’t see why you couldn’t sleep anyway…
– Well, I can’t resist the urge of bursting the old man’s bubbles with a needle all night long!

The End.

Thanks for sharing!!!!

I’m as gorgeous as you want me to be…

A couple of Jokes to enjoy a snoozing proof weekend..

1. What do modern cannibals enjoy the most for dinner?
– obese AIs in barbecue sauce!

2. A new cook is enjoying success after the guests can’t stop praising her skills.
She decides to listen a little behind the door for an extra ego boost.
– If this young lady’s food so succulent, says one, just think about how good she would taste with parmesan cheese!
The cook storms into the dining room and says,
– Sorry guys, I’m allergic to parmesan cheese….

3. A man walks into a pet store and asks to be shown the ugliest dog.
– We’re sorry, Sir, we don’t do ugly dogs here… but we’d be very happy to offer you a pig?
– What you on about, pigs don’t understand insults!!!

4. Yet another angry pet store customer brings in his puppy. The puppy looks very happy, unlike his owner.
– Ma’am, I am very disappointed with this dog, he only eats cash notes! I’m already broke after feeding him all my savings for two weeks, and I’m scared I’ll lose my flat.
– That’s not a problem! Just feed him with a currency with very high inflation like Bolivar. Should be cheaper to you!

5. Tracey… look at me! I’ve lost 2 stones with the help of a diet based on chocolate and beer!
– Hey, that’s amazing, could you give me your dietician’s cell number please?
– No, I can’t, he’s serving a long prison sentence for stealing classified diets and selling them!

The End.

Please Share and enjoy your well deserved… or not so well deserved Weekend!!! xxx

For further Jokes, please click here.

Boxing Day Jokes!

Funny Jokes to share on Boxing Day . Enjoy!

1- A man walks into a petshop named “skilled puppies”.
The clerk shows him around;
– We’ve got this excellent malterser,  great for kids, he is trained to help them with their homework,  win races and tidy the bedroom.
Then we’ve got this cute Yorkshire Terrier who is a gourmet and can help you better your cooking skills.
– Not for me, the customer says.
– We also have this great labrador, he can drive your stunning wife to the mall in your corvette and help her choose nice garments.
– Okay, I’ll take it! How much is it, please?
– Two hundred dollars. Thanks. Here you are Sir, packed and ready!
– Wait a minute… where’s the corvette and my stunning new wife?

2- A young teenager is stopped by Police for not wearing a Mask, for the third time.
– This is the third time we fine you, young man. Can you explain your behavior?
– Sure I can! If you keep fining me I won’t have any cash to buy some masks!!!

3- A young boy who is achieving great grades keeps asking his mum for cash to buy Bitcoins.
The mother dreams his son hits the millions, for his teacher has told her he’s a genius.
She has mentioned to all of her friends about her plans to buy a villa in Costa Rica and retire there early.
But on Christmas Eve she finds a bag of chocolate dices under her genius son’s bed.
– What are these, honey? I told you many times that chocolate rots your teeth..
– They’re my Bitcoins!!!

4- A man sitting at the airport is approached by a young hippy.
– Please, Sir, could you lend me 1000 Dollars for a ticket to Sydney? You see, my girlfriend said she will dump me if I go one more day without visiting her, and she’s the love of my life…
Since the passenger’s loaded wish money,  he doesn’t mind lending this young hippy the cash.
– Here you are young fellow, I hope it all goes well with your lady…
– Thanks! Can I also borrow 400 Dollars to bring back some souvenirs to my mum- who can’t stand my girlfriend?

5-  Mum, I am going out with a real policewoman, I’m so excited!
– Ummm, Johnny, how do you know she’s a real policewoman,  and not a con?
– Well, she tased me twenty times after I failed to satisfy her in bed…

6- An obese woman comes back from Jamaica appearing to have lost 20 Ibs.
– How did you acheive this, girl? Asks her best friend.
– Easy! Every time I asked the dealer for slimming pills, he started to run 3 miles,  and after chasing him for 20 days all my clothes were dropping off!

The End.

That’s all for today, friends!

Thanks for sharing…

Ladies Singing In The Rain!

Very bad Joke....terrible!
Not worth reading, hehe he...

– Why did Adam punch little holes on to his Umbrella?

To not upset the Rain!!!!

Ha, Ha, Hahaha, Hahaha!!!!!

Good Luck Scarabs are Here….!

please Share!!!!

Dance in your Mind whilst Asleep…

AuburnCopyright2021

AIs remain untalented….

Based on a true story.

Bloggers will be Bloggeresses…..

AND….

AND…..

I will keep my Spa as a secret….well, one of the many Spa secrets we Bloggers like to crash in….!!!!

This is One of our Team’s!!!!

Enjoy reading, sharing, and do contact me for any advice….ill reply once back from Holidays…. I’ll try to promise this!!!

Stay friendly…

AUBURN!!!!

Happiness…? My Definition.

Me and jesusito…

A lady on a plane once told me Hapiness doesn’t exist, its just moments….

Geology lovers like myself…

Some say its making new friends!!!

The American Dream is sill alive…

But I say happiness is letting a child be a child,

Just as my mummy always does, and my daddy too,

My naughty baby book written decades ago…

Never swear and never give up your dreams….

DON’T FORGET TO FOLLOW THIS BLOG, ITS JUST A CLICK AWAY!!!

The End.

Enjoy your summer, and remember, your next best friend might just be a few yards from you… right now…!

SELF PORTAIT…HE,HE..HEEE!!!

Now That’s the end of the story…. tomorrow or after after tomorrow more…..!!!

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Books-Sandra-Zouak/s?rh=n%3A266239%2Cp_27%3ASandra+Zouak

Sorry, its not the end yet… 44 was the year I refreshed my German with gern vergnugen…. Happy 45 to myself!!

Thanks to all the Angellas and Angelitos in the World….. And Beyond…. To Be Continued…..

Born Ginger …… Always a Ginger… We bring Good Luck according to popular belief….

REMEMBER: WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO OUR OWN BELIEFS!!

Sweet rockabybabies to all mothers…Good Night!

The End for now…..

sandra xxx.

Thanks for all you explosively kind wishes!!! and I wish I could reply to each and everyone of you… Good Morning!!!

Last Winter Jokes!

A gangster’s girlfriend is missing the intimate bit of the relationship, and decides to take action. She gets a policewoman outfit at the carnival shop, then eagerly waits for her man in the early morning, dressed up like his highest fantasy.
At last, and looking tired of an exciting night doing this and that, the boyfriend shows up and rolls his eyes at her sight.
– Jenny, is that you?
– yes, I ve been hired as an officer yesterday, I wanted to keep it as a surprise….
she starts unbuttoning her shirt expecting some kind of accrued passion- when he cries,
– could I borrow the suit to take some selfies?

* * *

A junkie’s daughter is asked at school what she would like to be when she grows up.

-Definitely, I want to be an astronaut!

– oh, do you?

-sure I do. I saw in a film they got massive, massive, stocked up fridges on spaceship board!

* * *

An angry customer walks into a pet shop with his dog and waits for his turn.

-Madame, I d like a refund for this maltersers dog because I’m disappointed.

– could you go more into detail?

– well, he behaves like a human. He puts back the lid onto the shampoo after his bath, brings slippers to my guests and always gives the remote control to my wife.

– I see. I’m afraid that’s not a good reason enough for a refund.

– Not a good reason enough? then please exchange my wife for a nice young lady that enjoys watching wrestling shows like I do!!!

* * *

A forty year old has had a bike accident and is in a deep coma. His relatives are desperately gathered around his bed when a drunk nurse walks in and sprays something onto the poor dying man’s nose.

As un unexplained miracle, the hopeless man is revived by the shock, coughs, swears and looks around…. his family are crying with happiness.

Two weeks later, the biker’s wife is reading a letter and cries

-You pig! you ve been pestering young ladies!

-I don’t know what you’re on about….?

-Yes, that nurse at the hospital had stuffed your face with some anti-rapist gas, and is know demanding half of our fortune…. or she will take you to court over sexual assault charges!!!!

* * *

Do enjoy the last winter days, don’t forget where you stock your skiing boots….. and get some great books here to prepare for the beautiful springtime!

April Fools Day!

DD3A87D9-CB01-4EAA-8A98-99603CD9B76AA student finds her flatmate searching through all the cupboards and wardrobes, saying , “I know you’re in there!”

So she gently asks her,

” Nancy, who are you talking to?”

” My boyfriend’s other girl! I know he has been cheating on me lately!”

” But Nancy…. you don’t have a boyfriend!”

” I know I don’t have a boyfriend- but that doesn’t mean he’s not cheating on me!”

*          *          *

A Doctor’s surgery gets a funny call.

– “You see, my flatmate must have caught a funny virus. She’s jumping up and down on the bed, singing “it’s raining men” and juggling with my antique vases.”

– “okay. I shall prescribe some pills for her. How old is she?”

–  “She’s eighty today!”

*           *          *

– “Hey cousin, long time! You look good! How’s life treating you?”

– “Excellent! I got a boyfriend who loves me more than his car….”

– “I’m glad to hear this…. and what car does he drive?”

– “Oh, eerrrr, he doesn’t have a car…”

*          *          *

A successful manager walks into a meeting to see her sales representative sporting her very own pendant. She can’t take her eyes off the jewel and is thinking of going to report the theft.  To be on the safe side, she decides to ask her colleague first,

– ” What a beautiful pendant! It really suits you! Where did you get it?”

– “I got it at a charity auction for a small fortune.”

– “A charity auction?”

– “That’s right. This charity raises money in order to help forgetful people.”

– “Oh my…. my car keys… and my twelve o’clock presentation… and the code to my locker…. and… can you remind me- what’s the date today?”

– “It’s  April Fools Day!”

– “Okay, thanks.  And what’s the date tomorrow?”

*         *          *

During Tom  and Christine’s anniversary,  the gentleman starts spoiling his wife with jewels, kisses and untrue words about her looks- she is ten years older than him.

– Oh Tom, stop it! Your words are like Botox to my ears!

*          *          *
ADBAE16B-AB04-4ADF-A97C-DE51D5B7C8EA

An Estate Agent is desperately trying to rent a room out to an ideal tenant. This time again, the lady says she’s not at all interested.

– “I need to ask you a favour- please could you honestly tell me what is it you find wrong with this lovely room?”

– ” Haven’t you seen the note on the fridge that reads ” Beware of the Grizzly!?”

*          *          *

So as long as April Fools Day is fun, creative, eye- opening and does not play with individuals’ concerns, we can all expect three quarters of a minute of surprise, confusion, and then jolly good laughter!

Have a fun Fool’s Day!

For more Jokes click here.

Antiviral Jokes

9B5D1A3A-D555-4153-96B1-C98B25445615A lady in her thirties has been applying for work-from-home jobs since a couple of weeks. Then one morning, her phone starts buzzing. It’s for a job!

After she is asked a few easy questions about her experience, the interviewer gets serious and says,

– “All this sounds great. Now we have one, final question.

– “okay”

– “Do you have coronavirus?”

– “Corona.. .what?”

– “Co-ro-na-vi-rus….”

– “What on earth is that?”

*          *          *

The bus is crowded and Phil just wants to get home. Suddently he starts coughing and all heads turn to him. He has to think quick.

– “Are you infected?” Asks a caring old lady as all other passengers press the stopping bell, trying not to touch one another.

– “It’s ok, no need to panic! I wasn’t coughing…. I accidentally swallowed my mobile phone this morning!”

*          *          *

– “What do headmasters and coronaviruses have in common?”

–  “They’re reckless when it comes to punishment.”

*          *          *

We are a few months past the coronavirus times, but David the hacker is still sat in front of his computer for long periods at a time.

– David! It’s all over now! Why don’t we get on the van and go on a camping ride?

– ” I’m ok thanks. ”

– “At least tell me what you’re upto! Im intrigued!”

– ” Well, I’m trying to protect my computer against that virus, in case is has mutated into a corona-software bug!”

*          *          *

Three colleagues go for a check-up.

On their way out, they feel relaxed.

– Did they find anything wrong with you?

– Nope! They only said I got self-building muscles.

– Oh, that sounds good! And you?

– Well, the results came up as a phantom pregnancy….

– Oh. How about you?

– All good, except for a media-induced coronavirus addiction!

*          *          *

A businessman comes home to his loving wife to find her masked, wearing gloves, and walking about in her fins.

– I think you’re getting slightly over the top honey…

– Now you’re going to ask me to give you a half hour foot massage with no gloves, am I right?

*          *          *

A large family are at home during coronavirus period, wondering what to do with themselves, when the eldest kid comes up with an idea-

– Lets play “survival of the fittest”!

– What’s that? the middle sister asks.

– Whoever can do the highest number of sit-ups without coughing gets to eat the  jaffa cakes!

*          *          *

That’s all for today!

Keep washing hands and carry on….

More humour here

Valentines’ Fun!

81D9E73D-43E1-42F2-BA3C-1E19B5E78955On this special day loaded with lots of love and surprises, make sure you let the fun spread about!

*        *        *

What did the vigorexic do for Valentines?

– He treated his favorite abs machine with Bergamot energizing aromatherapy oil!

*.       *.         *

– What did the eco-friendly freak get for Valentines?

– A month’s worth of coffee paper cups, stirrers and spoons to sort.

*.       *.       *

What does the workaholic do for Valentines?

– He asks for a pay cut.

*.       *.       *

How does the oldest taxi driver celebrate Valentines?

– He takes his vehicle to a formula one circuit!

*.       *.       *
A divorcee gets a funny card on Valentines from her ex.

“I knew he’d love me forever!”, She whispers to her assistant.

“I don’t want to ruin your Valentines, but…. you should know that in the location Roger is right now- it’s Fool’s Day today!”…..

*       *.       *

A retired loving husband has saved up all year to surprise his lady on Valentines.  He gets a brand new kitchen fixed in overnight.

In the morning she wakes up, makes only one cup of coffee and then just stares out the window.

“This is a bit strange”, he thinks to himself.

“Why arent you talking to me Linda? Its Valentines, and I got you your dream kitchen!

– You’re wasting your time. I’m not talking to you today.

– But why?

– Where are my Valentines Roses?!!”

*        *        *
What does the possessive boyfriend say to his girl on Valentines?

– I own you forever!

*        *        *

Have a lovely Valentines!

More humour here….