Boxing Day Jokes!

Funny Jokes to share on Boxing Day . Enjoy!

1- A man walks into a petshop named “skilled puppies”.
The clerk shows him around;
– We’ve got this excellent malterser,  great for kids, he is trained to help them with their homework,  win races and tidy the bedroom.
Then we’ve got this cute Yorkshire Terrier who is a gourmet and can help you better your cooking skills.
– Not for me, the customer says.
– We also have this great labrador, he can drive your stunning wife to the mall in your corvette and help her choose nice garments.
– Okay, I’ll take it! How much is it, please?
– Two hundred dollars. Thanks. Here you are Sir, packed and ready!
– Wait a minute… where’s the corvette and my stunning new wife?

2- A young teenager is stopped by Police for not wearing a Mask, for the third time.
– This is the third time we fine you, young man. Can you explain your behavior?
– Sure I can! If you keep fining me I won’t have any cash to buy some masks!!!

3- A young boy who is achieving great grades keeps asking his mum for cash to buy Bitcoins.
The mother dreams his son hits the millions, for his teacher has told her he’s a genius.
She has mentioned to all of her friends about her plans to buy a villa in Costa Rica and retire there early.
But on Christmas Eve she finds a bag of chocolate dices under her genius son’s bed.
– What are these, honey? I told you many times that chocolate rots your teeth..
– They’re my Bitcoins!!!

4- A man sitting at the airport is approached by a young hippy.
– Please, Sir, could you lend me 1000 Dollars for a ticket to Sydney? You see, my girlfriend said she will dump me if I go one more day without visiting her, and she’s the love of my life…
Since the passenger’s loaded wish money,  he doesn’t mind lending this young hippy the cash.
– Here you are young fellow, I hope it all goes well with your lady…
– Thanks! Can I also borrow 400 Dollars to bring back some souvenirs to my mum- who can’t stand my girlfriend?

5-  Mum, I am going out with a real policewoman, I’m so excited!
– Ummm, Johnny, how do you know she’s a real policewoman,  and not a con?
– Well, she tased me twenty times after I failed to satisfy her in bed…

6- An obese woman comes back from Jamaica appearing to have lost 20 Ibs.
– How did you acheive this, girl? Asks her best friend.
– Easy! Every time I asked the dealer for slimming pills, he started to run 3 miles,  and after chasing him for 20 days all my clothes were dropping off!

The End.

That’s all for today, friends!

Thanks for sharing…

My Mum The AI

IMG_2047Danny T’s computer beeped. Mum was doing her nails in the kitchen and jumped from the stool.

-Mum! I’m in! I’m going to Oxford Uni! The email just came in! I’m going to take my bike and tell the folks!

He grabbed Mum by the waist and lifted her up to the moon and stars- realising at this very minute it was more her achievement than his. She had stood by his side and monitored his academic activities from over his shoulder, never giving up. Always saying “There’s a Lamborghini at the end of the tunnel- keep working!”.

As he squeezed her neck unintentionally and for the first time, her eyes went neon blue.

“ASSAULT. ASSAULT. SLEEPING MODE INDUCED”.[sociallocker][/sociallocker]

To Danny’s horror, this voice came from Mum’s tummy. What on Earth was going on?

-MUM? Are you Okay? But Mum was stiff, and digital noises were coming out from her ears and tummy. He laid her head on the dog’s pillow.

A laser came out of her forehead lighting up a screen on the kitchen wall. At this stage Danny T thought it was all a freaky nightmare.

“Hello, Danny. It’s your Mum here. Your late Mum. It’s  May 2005 and I want to tell you how much I love you and I also need to ask you to forgive me for this. By the time you watch this Video Message I will be in Heaven with Grandma and Grandpa and the Saints and Angels. You are a man now!

“I have now a Brain Tumor and will not live long. A couple of weeks if I don’t survive the operation. I have programmed an AI to look after you in the very same manner I would do, as I don’t want you to be taken into care. This AI has cost me all my life savings- and as a single mother I am confident it will all turn out well.

“Please don’t take it out on her- her name is Nisha G- she has feelings very similar to ours. She is devoted to you. Nisha G is a prototype of Dreman’s Co and has not been recording you nor will compromise any personal information about you. She just loves you the same way I did. It has taken me five months to programme, and she will allow me to pass away in Peace.

“I know it will take you a couple of days to come to terms with this, but it is the best I can do to my knowledge and Love. You will shortly receive a visit from the Dreman’s engineers to fix Nisha G. If you decide you do not want her anymore, please return her and allow her to have kids in her life. She is a naturally programmed mother.

God Bless and FOLLOW YOUR GUT DANNY.”

Danny T’s heart was racing and his T-Shirt was soaked in sweat. He shook Nisha G who mumbled

“I’m so sorry Danny. Please call the engineer, I’m in pain”

After a good regressive Tantrum which lasted five minutes and cost the house’s equipment and windows, Danny did not know whether to call an Engineer or take his Bike and ride as far as he could, away from his life, away from his “Mum”, away from himself.

 

The doorbell rung.

-“Danny Tinold? Hi, I’ve come to fix the AI. Just got an “Assault” alarm. Everything OK? Gees your eyes are red. Ha, Ha, Ha! Why is there always some Drama going on when the AIs break down? I’ll have to do it in private so you don’t watch the “Surgery” live. It can be traumatising to watch your girlfriend being slit open.

-“She’s not my Girlfriend, you moron! She’s my Mother!”

 

The End.

 

More Humor here.