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Mustard Shampoo

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– “Oh no Frances, don’t do that again! It’s only Tuesday…. What time is it?”

– “Early enough, and listen to this, it says Venus is aligning with the Moon today, and small events stemming from Capricorn’s innate daryness  will pamper you with a stream of luxurious payback…. can you translate this?”

– ” It means I need three spoons of sugar in my coffee today, stewardess!”

– “Oh.. I forgot to tell you, yesterday: we’ve run out of coffee.”

– “aarrrggghhhh…. check inside Tommy’s lottery box- if he’s still snoring…. you might find a couple of free coffee samples, as the horoscope suggests…”

– “I’m afraid I can’t, it says here- geminis  need to emphasise on time keeping today, or else  we may have to face self-piling workload.”

– “ok. Don’t forget the Arabica mild roast on your way back.”

– “I’ll write it on my hand. Bye! Don’t fall back asleep lucky capricorn!”

By a chance of luck, as I reach for my phone…. the battery’ s dead. Frances saved me again, because I had set the alarm  buzz for seven am.

Through the window I watch her walk away in a confident hurry, sporting a purple uniform and her favourite yellow crocs.

–  “Frances, I’m not a Capricorn, I’m a Sagittarius!!!” My words are trashed away by the noisy rubbish truck.

*          *          *

The boss has given us an extra lunch half hour, and once again the receptionist wants me to take her sample-hunting.

– “Let’s have lunch first, I suggest, there’s no queueing at the food stall right now. They said there might be a storm.”

– “What, is that what Francesca read on today’s horoscope?”

– “Don’t be jealous of her. She’s had it hard.”

– “And so have we all. Three samples for me and only one for her!”

– “Hot dogs?”, Asks the food stall lady.

– “Two for me with no ketchup, loads of mustard,  extra napkins and chopsticks please!” Anita’s not pulling her leg.

– “That will be eight pounds fifty, just eight pounds for you.”

– “I ‘ve not got enough coins…. so: Same order please,  but without the hotdogs!”

–  “Ummm… One seventy five, two seventy five, three pounds for you! And a hotdog on the house!”

– “Same for me please.”

– “Look, there’s a new bench there. Quick, grab it girl!”

I hesitate to ask then brave the question:

– “Anita, can I enquire…. why won’t you eat without chopsticks?”

– “They make me feel slender. That’s it.”

– “Oh, must be a precious feeling for a millennial female.”

– “Ok,  Capricorn! it’s beauty goodies time!”

– “But you only had mustard for lunch!”

– “Yes, I needed to make up for the free granola bars they were handing out at the station. Here, I took a couple for your pretty Frances.”

– “Thanks. We ve got twelve minutes left. Put some lipstick on, off we go on a lucky errand….. hey, I said lipstick, not Mustard!”

*          *          *

Anita was sniffing all the new shampoo and conditioner cute bottles, not lending an ear to me.

– “Do you do Mustard shampoo, Madame?”

– “Mustard shampoo? Not as far as I know. But our latest cinnamon edition shampoo and conditioner in one is your closest bet. Let me ask my supervisor anyway.”

Leaving all the bottle lids halfway screwed, Anita looks high on exotic essences.

– “Please Sir, could you be kind enough to fill in our creative suggestion form, and very importantly, your email address, because we are treating you with this season’s sample case.”

–  “But we’re late to work…”

– “No worries – I can quickly  fill it in for you,  because I am impressed with the beautiful shine on your girlfriends hair.”

– “Don’t misspell your email address again!” Anita the spoiler sometimes behaves like she’s my girlfriend.

Mission exceeded, we two colleagues are pleasantly excited  by what items we got inside the gift bags.

We hear a thunderbolt.

It’s raining so heavily we have to stay under the porch, dodging the upset bargain shoppers who only want a square inch of shelter.

The rain grows thicker and cooler. I’ll never forget the next five minutes, when Anita opens the coconut shampoo and the small crowd of shoppers instantly start querring about the product.

Anita wants the stage, and she starts foaming her hair under the storm.

I think they gave us an aphrodisiac instead of shampoo. Passers try and take pictures… but the rain’s too thick.

I cannot recall a sexier scene than my very professional receptionist washing her locks under the violent spring shower. I want to ask her what her sign on the horoscope is.

Anita needs not to feel jealous about any single millennial or trillinial chick. The girls got it.

Before the rain recedes the receptionist’s head is wrapped in a newspaper.

A rain scent still lingers on her- even today,  as all customers keep boomeranging back to our shop.

*           *          *

On my way back after work, I don’t bother to collect free papers to cut out the horoscope for Frances, as I’ve been fed up of doing for the past couple of years. All I can think of is brushing with Anita’s hair. I forget to pop into the supermarket to get a coffee jar for the flat. I even forgot Frances’ gift bag!

*         *          *

The flat door is unlocked and I am hoping it’s not  some burglars coming to steal toilet rolls. There’s sachets of mustard over the kitchen table. Frances treating my Anita again as a gesture of fair competition.

– “Thanks, Frances! Frances, you in?”

She sneaks out from Tommy’s bedroom. I pretend not to notice. The keetle beeps.

– “Who got the coffee?”

– “Tommy won a tenner on the Lotto! Says Frances, bottoming her uniform.

– “Well done.  Can I keep the change?”

The evening is light as usual,  lifting the work fatigue just when it’s time to sleep.

I could have guessed! These geesas  are a couple! No wonder they don’t mind me being three months behind the rent…

What other stuff is to be discovered this week? Do I have to peep on one of Frances’ horoscopes to find out?

*          *          *

Two weeks later, and as I am still scratching the love bite, a couple of emails come in at once.

One from the landlord, and one from the beauty store. Bad news is landlord going on a gap year so wants one years rent ahead, good news is we won the two shampoo recipe contests. I only submitted one- shampoo with rainwater…

Over the phone, Anita can’t believe her luck, and starts laughing and laughing,

– “I made up a mustard shampoo formula, just as a joke….. I didn’t even test it…. can’t believe we won the grand, plus the lifetime supply of beauty products!”

Well, it’s all typed somewhere in cyberspace. As for me I need to find a new room. The grand comes in handy.

– “You moving out with Frances?”

– “Nope!”

– “Then come to my block! there’s a free room on the second floor sharing with some dictionary animals…. sure they ‘ll love the mustard shampoo….”

– “Thanks.  I ‘ll check the horoscope and get back to you.”

– “No probs, Capricorn! I’ll be practising on a new sardines moisturising cream formula as a good bye prank to Frances – while you make up your mind…… gosh you really got me into this.”

– “Just to remind you girls once again, I am not a Capricorn, but the lucky Sagittarius…”

The End

Keep the competition happy!

Based on a True Story.

Featured

The Water Diamonds

Every night

Little diamonds float inside

The glass of water on my bedside table.

They glow with ease

The town is sweet.

I breathe harmony.

Another gift, another day

And as I pray

I am pleased . Because today

I did my best.

If these water bubbles could speak

They would certainly repeat

“Enjoy your rest, pray for the rest.

Although we’re cheap

We have in common:

A peaceful sleep,

We dream we’re free…

And wake up on our feet.”

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The End.

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The Toughest Boxer’s Secret.

Dan was only 11 when his professional diplomats family moved to the African capital.

It was going to be a six year shift and it took him only 3 days to love it there, just like his little sister Dora: their mum had signed them both up for boxing classes in the most dangerous neighbourhood of the city.

Dora and Dan had been listening behind the door to all their parent’s discussion about what afterschool activity their kids should do.

They didn’t want their kids to grow up inside a golden bubble- so they had finally agreed about the boxing.

Dan and Dora were of an age when school was wartime torture, playgrounds the climax and going back home at night where mum and dad were always entertaining guests a mild bore.

But Dan had a problem which he didn’t know would last him for years to come- he wetted his bed at nighttime.

His mum had discreetly introduced him to endless experts who failed to solve the problem.

” Studying is just a shortcut to life’s delicious desserts” was what the kid’s dad always told them, and this had made them tick, they were happy to finish their homework quick before boxing, just to come back home exhilarated and exhausted after the classes.

Dora didn’t mind Tutu the boxing teacher’s strictness, but Dan wished he could one day grow up and give him a punch in the belly til he wetted himself, for Tutu often made fun of him in front of all the class.

Winnie, the receptionist, loved to wear both Dan and Dora’s jewels while they were training, and always joked about not returning the jems, for they were not allowed to wear jewels while boxing.

The kids mum had instructed them to only use their boxing skills in a life emergency, and to help struggling little boxers to improve their skills, for they were good at it.

But up came the time where Dan started to fancy the girls. He was 13 and 2 years had flown, between the school and boxing routine, learning how to entertain VIPs and travelling around the world first class.

Dan was particularly interested in Lucie, the daughter of the French consular, who dropped by many times and slept over in Dora’s room.

So it was his 14 th birthday. His parents were at a cocktail and let him throw a party. For the first time he drunk beer and danced with Lucie, when she asked him to show her his medals collection in his bedroom.

He was proud. She asked if she could give him one as a souvenir from him, for soon her father would be destined elsewhere, and threw herself onto his bed.

” What is this, a towel under the sheets?”

Dan snatched the silver medal off her little hand and ran out to the boxing club, hurt, filled with shame and almost crying.

He was usually driven there by the chauffeur in their Mercedes, but this time he needed to breathe in and out all the entire spare oxygen that humanity could ever gasp.

Once he got to the club, he was even more struck by the fact the Winnie wasn’t there, he desperately needed to talk to her, let all the pain and shame out, even be cuddled, this young teenager who would grow up to be the craftiest businessman needed a cuddle from Winnie, the 17 year old young receptionist who loved to wear his grandmothers Cross while he was boxing.

Tutu the teacher told Dan to join the class, even if they were all over 21s, and that Winnie should be coming back at some point because she had forgotten her glasses over the desk.

Dan didn’t want to box, but what else could he do? He had already had one lesson that day and felt exhausted, and what was his surprise when he saw Lucie’s cousin there, aged 22, tanned, tattooed and giving him the eye?

” Where have you left my Lucie? Didn’t she give you your first kiss?”

Dan was now furious. Not a furious teenager, but a furious man, who was scorned at and ready to box with his jewels on.

There was a mini tournament, and when it was Dan’s turn to fight Fabien, that idiot, he was going to make a papier mache mask out of his face, even if he’d had to wet himself.

So the fight happened. It was not long, for Winnie had come back for her glasses and was looking through the window, at the class.

” Come out here, golden boy, you ain’t ought to fight these gangster wannabes. What’s the matter, you look furious?”

There was a silence. One of those silences where telepathy seems to occur. It lasted 5 seconds but something magic was born then and there between the two youngsters.

” Here’s a towel, got get a hot shower and we’re going for a walk “.

” No, I got no time to queue for a shower, I need to get home to watch over Dora, there’s many sharks at my home party, and I already missed the birthday cake “.

Winnie and Dan went out under the stars for what was going to be the most life changing conversation in his life.

They talked about everything, growing, moving counties all the time, how Winnie had to drop school to upbring her siblings, how the last war had left a scar forever.

Dan didn’t even realise he was opening up about his bed wetting problem, when Winnie spontaneously said ” yes, my uncle used to have that, after he had swallowed a fish bone and heard his mother shout hysterically ” he’s dead, he’s dead”.

At that moment the young soul had a very vivid memory about getting locked up in an airline toilet cabinet and the Pilot shouting ” open the door or we’ll throw you out of the window” when he was only 4 years old.

This was the main cause of his bedwetting and he was now cured, forever.

He kissed Winnie goodbye, she let him kiss her then said, rather shyly

” I’m married but I liked the kiss. Dont tell anyone! Sleep well, Golden boy. Oh! And you may now train to become a part time junior boxing teacher, Tutu has been considering this over the past month!”

She hugged him tight and walked away briskly.

When Dan got back home the party was almost over, there were fast cars and very old cars too waiting to collect the naughty guests, and he found on his desk a note from Lucie

” Happy Birthday. I won’t say anything about the towel. I’ll runaway from home tomorrow at midnight to see you, with my chauffeur’s help. Good night boxer.”

The End

Landing on Jokes!

1. A happy family are having an issue, and decide to take their four year old to the shrink.
– How can I help you, lovely family?
– Well, this is Tom, our four year old, and since 6 months he has developed a serious pathology. We need your help desperately.
– I hope I can help you with this. What kind of “pathology ” has little Tom developed?
– Paper planes addiction.
– Eeeerrrrr….. I see. I understand your neighbours downstairs must be very upset, having to clean the rubbish everyday….
– It’s the opposite! Our neighbours are delighted!!! It’s us who are broke!
– I don’t get it…
– Tom collects all the cash notes he finds around the flat and then turns them into paper planes!!!

2. A female school has been getting a number of absences from the pupils with “gynaecologist notes “.
So the head mistress is very intrigued and decides to go to see the gynaecologist herself.
As she walks into the surgery, she meets a 200 kilos charming doctor, and bowls of sweets, cakes and chocolate all around the premises.
– Doctor, I am very concerned about your practices. All our school girls are coming to visit you and missing valuable hours of core learning. Most of them are virgins and I am going to report you to the police if you don’t give me an explanation straightaway.
After a brief period of silence, the physician breaks into tears:
– I miss sugar so much. You see, I am a dangerously obese man and I never even examine these girls.  My doctor has put me on a strict diet, and I just get such a kick from seeing young women gobble all those cakes, sweets and chocolates…. because I can’t enjoy any of that myself!!!

3. A gentleman goes to the pet shop.
– Good morning, I bought this dog nine months ago, and you said he was affectionate, considerate, and caring.  This is not the case. I’d like my money back, please.
-Could you explain further, please?
– Well, I go to work each morning, and during the day I send him him about three emails..  AND HE HASN’T EVEN REPLIED TO A SINGLE ONE OF THEM IN NINE MONTHS!!!

4. Two old friends meet after 42 years.
– So you say you’re happily married to John?
– Absolutely.
– I’d love to meet him. Where is he?
– He’s gone out to buy some cigarettes.
After two hours, John’s still not back.
– John is taking long! When did he leave the house to go buy some cigarettes?
– Well… errr … twenty eight years ago!

5. A young lady walks inside a police station appearing nervous.
– How can we help you?
– I have been raped by superman!!
– Oh, you’re lucky, tell us your beauty secrets then…

6. A girl asks her boyfriend,
– Dan, how much do you love me?
– I love you like Hell…
– Prove it to me!
– Listen, I love you so much I wish you had a twin sister!

Thanks for dropping by!

Have a great day…

Jokes as an Appetiser!

Jokes!

1. Hi Jenny, how are you?
– Not too well, you know. I had to break up with Dan.
– How come? He treats you like a Princess!
– He bought me a Cartier watch.
– Are you joking? Is your self-esteem that low, as to dump him because he treats you?
– No, it’s just that he had wrapped the watch in loo paper!

2. A happy family are having dinner. The youngest son of the family is refusing to eat his spaghetti.
– Why aren’t you eating, son? Is it because you have a tummy ache?
– No, mum. It’s because the food today tastes like soggy boobs!
– Whaaaat? You are going to tell me straightaway who is the sick, sex deprived person who has taught you that!!!
– Well, mum… its Dad!!!

3. Twelve parents are eagerly learning parenting skills at the local library. Their kids have been misbehaving.
– Today were going to tackle the forbidding issue, says the course leader. In order to persuade a child not to do something,  you must persuade him in a clever way, instead of forbidding it all short.
So I want you all to go home and forbid your kids to eat chewing gum, three times a day.
So the parents go home.
The next week they all meet up again.
– How did our exercise go for each of you? Please tell me one by one about your experiences.
– Well, says one of the parents,  my child has been excellent,  I have not smelt a glimpse of mint on my kid’s breathe, and his appetite has increased three fold.
– How strange… you have a promising child! And you Sally?
– I’m totally disappointed.  I found an arson of chewing gum hidden underneath my son’s bed.
– Don’t be disappointed! This behaviour is common. I shall explain later. How about you over there?
The lady he points to breaks into tears.
– I am bankrupt now!
They all look her.
– How’s that?
– I had to pay five thousand Dollars to bail my daughter from jail… because she went and hijacked a candy factory!!!

4. A woman goes for advice to a therapist.
– My life’s a nightmare. You see, my husband wakes me up very often at four o’clock in the morning and starts abusing me. He wants me to swear for my life that I haven’t slept with his best friend, his boss nor his brother.
– That’s not a difficult problem! All you need to do is to swear for your life that this  isn’t true.
– But I can’t…. because it’s true!

5. A girl calls up her best friend, crying.
– I’m fed up of Tom! He keeps on gifting me with tasteless stuff!
– Hey Geena, you shouldn’t be upset. That’s very sweet of him, even if the gifts don’t match your taste. It just prooves how precious you are to him.
– Not at all!
– What do you mean?
– All the gifts are stolen from his mum’s cupboards!

The End.

Thanks for reading!

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Jokes. Seriously.

1. A remote village was experiencing a strange phenomena. Many women were being locked up in the local psychiatric ward after claiming the Sheriff’s wife kept a tyrannosaurus in her garden.
One day the tyrannosaurus appears in a straight jacket at the hospital ward.
– You see, Doctor, we were all right! There is a dinosaur in the village! You’ve got to release us all!
– None of that, says the shrink,  this is not a dinosaur, it is the actually the Sheriff himself who has developed bizarre sexual fantasies, and agressively refuses to remove his tyrannosaurus attire!

2. Have you heard about the new genetically modified Brussel sprouts that don’t give you any wind?
– They have a 3 hour span until the expiry date!

3. A ninety year old lady walks into the Chemist and orders a pregnancy test.
– Is it for you, madam?
Asks the chemist.
– Of course it is! Says the old lady with a cheeky smile.
– I would not like to disappoint you, but you can save your money, I can guarantee you you are not pregnant.
– What you on about, you jealous bitch!! If you only knew what an orgy we had with the national football team last night, you’d be cracking in awe…

4. Hi, Johnny! Long time no see… what’s up?
– I got a new parrot three months ago, he’s really funny: drinks whiskey,  smokes cigars and plays poker with me.
-Oh, that’s interesting! Does the parrot go curb crawling with you, too?
– Oh no, I can’t take him to visit the girls, they all say he gives them a very rough time…

5. A young couple goes to the local swimming pool at 4 am.
– Sorry guys,  but the pool opens at 8 am, I can’t let you in. Anyway…. why would anyone want a swim at this time of the morning? Asks the security guard.
– You see, the possibility of getting bitten by a shark really turns on our sex drive!

6. A teenager comes back home one evening with an itch over her ear.
– Mom, a spider has bitten me!
– Oh, sweetheart, what a naughty spider.  What was his name?
– I don’t know his name,  but he gave me 50 Dollars compensation for biting me!

7. Doctor, there’s a funny ghost who haunts my flat and doesn’t let me sleep.
– How is that?
– He spends the night chewing strawberry gum and making bubbles beside my bed.
– I wouldn’t see why you couldn’t sleep anyway…
– Well, I can’t resist the urge of bursting the old man’s bubbles with a needle all night long!

The End.

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Enjoy the party!

A Letter to My Bones.

Oh Bones of mine, I beg you once again,

To take me places, allow me to spend,

But don’t let me commit stupidity…

Don’t let me fail to men.

You have inspired the bluest Love from so many of my encounters,

You have granted me amazing experiences during this life off-shore,

You obey me, I treat you rough, you don’t complain…. I don’t understand.

If you could only hear my voice asking myself to stop being foolish,

To stop a life of excess, to stop the way I’m reckless,

I wouldn’t be so moody.

So please help me come to my senses, oh my best friends,

Please let God forgive me, so that I can rest,

Lie on my bed, look back, and say “I did the right thing”.

The End.

Jokes for No Reason!

1.  Hi Lucia, why are you crying?
– it’s terrible… I stepped on a cockroach!!!
– don’t worry about that, I’m sure you got plenty more cockroaches left in your flat…
– I know, but this one was my FAVOURITE COCKROACH!!!!

2. How do you get a perfectly fitted and most flattering wedding dress?
– you propose to the dress designer.

3. A KFC young worker gets back home after a long shift  appearing elated.
– Danny, we re going to be rich! I managed to steal the KFC legendary secret recipe.
– Well done girl, that’s my babes!… so what’s the secret recipe?
– Easy! To invest all the tips in Jamie Oliver assets….

4. A girl walks into a fashion store.
– I’d like a bathing suit to take to the nudist beach, please!
– okay. Given your voluptuous figure, I would suggest these three items.
– thanks! Says the girl, and walks out of the shop without making a payment.
The clerk runs after her and shouts,
– Madame, you need to pay us 265 dollars for the swimming gear!
– Absolutely not, says the clever girl, I have told you already the bathing suits are for the nudist beach!!!

5. How do you help your kid get a degree in mathematics?
– you make him guess the food weight in pounds,  stones and kilograms before lunch!

6- A young rock n roller walks into a flashy, new, out of range designer store.
– I’d like one of those perfumes you are selling that smells like a cheap whore.

– Sure!  Says the clerk, Is it for your girlfriend?

7. Two friends meet up after twenty years. One asks the other,

– Geena, how do you manage to look so young and beautiful?

Geena replies,

– Easy,  I wash my hair with Alsatian shampoo, have only kitten snacks for lunch, and exercise every morning on the hamster wheel.

Her friend bursts into laughter.

– So is this so? Do you also go to the Vet for health check- ups?

– No, I can’t, the Vet has banned me from his surgery. He says I always pee over his carpet….

8- How do you make a frigid vegetarian orgasm?
– You sit her down and you force her to watch you gobble fifteen cheeseburgers until you finish them up!

9. A young man is crying in the underground. A sympathetic elderly lady asks him,


– Are you OK, Sir? Why do you look so upset?

– Boo, hoo, hoo! My wife says I am a heartless criminal and has chucked me out of the house, my lover says I’m as cold as the Artic, and my favourite call girl says people like me should be locked up in chicken cages…. boo hoo hooo…


– Why don’t you call your mother then, for some true love and affection?


– I can’t call my mother, because I slaughtered her two years ago… boo hooo hoooo…

Time to get back to work, thanks for sharing!!!

Sandra xxxx

Intelligent Generosity

Bruna had had it all, lost it all, and regained it all.

A successful career in Art Curating at a top London Museum, a dream husband, a bustling social life and money to make out paper boats til the oceans got polluted.

During her 3 year of marriage to Tom, an angry security officer from their mansion had taken an intimate video from their bedroom nest and posted it online, after blackmailing the couple with no success.

Her friends had told her to give in to the blackmailing or they would lose it all, but she didn’t listen.

As a result, her marriage broke apart, her reputation was seriously stained , and her affluent social circle turned its back on her.

But luckily, all the money they had accrued was split and she had a good eye for investments.

Once going out of Pimlico’s Sainsburys, she spotted three homeless beggars looking desperate and needy. Her creative mind lit a new star and she went to the local printer to get some badges done.

Even though she felt she was heading to a dangerous adventure, her heart was stubborn and the next day she took her basket full of badges and went to meet the homeless.

“Hi, my name’s Bruna, I got this magic badge to increase your earnings. I hope it helps you spend the money wisely and sort out your situation. Good luck!”

The homeless lad put the badge on as a trophy, and soon the Magic started to deploy itself.

Customers from the supermarket were giving the homeless money for errands, the homeless felt dignified, wealthier, more respected and jolly, for the badge read “I’ll carry your bags for 2 pounds 50”.

One week later Bruno bumped into a group of six homeless who threw themselves to her arms, exploding with gratitude and wanting more badges for their friends.

She offered to take them to a cafe and get to know them.

They couldn’t stop talking all at the same time, telling terrible stories of addiction, crime, love and loss, so Bruna had to tell them ” one at a time!”

In 36 years of reading horror novels and having military friends, her heart had never been gripped in such a manner. Halfway through the stories she wished she’d just go deaf.

These youngsters seemed trustworthy since they opened their souls to her, so she gave each a business card of hers.

What happened after was a tale of friendship, joy, betrayal and forgiveness.

She met with the group once a week at the same cafe and brought presents to all, because they were making positive changes into their lives and were repentant of their past misdoings.

Soon it would be Christmas.

Many of the friends were washing cars, walking dogs, cleaning windows, and getting help for their addictions.

Bruna turned pale when she heard a TV presenter say “many of us will be spending Christmas alone”.

So she organised a Christmas meal for the twelve at her flat, bought garnments for the girls and lads, decorated her flat like a school hall, cooked her best, and they all had the jolliest time of the year.

She didn’t mind, her phone did not ring once from her old friends from the Museum lot.

They ended up drunk, Bruna fell asleep on the couch, and the next morning her purple star had turned into a deadly Asteroid.

She had been robbed by them.

A panic attack took hold of her once she saw her family portrait, which was framed in gold, had gone missing too. Even her landlines handset had disappeared.

She was too hungover to go confront them or go through the Police route.

She called Tom. He was emotional to hear her and they stayed two hours on the phone.

While she was dozing off, the doorbell rung, she saw a huge pile of flowers and asked who it was.

“I’m amazed by your bravoury and generosity. I got a new job which I prefer not to talk about, but let me in and lets catch up. I got a friend who can help get your family portrait in minutes”, said Tom.

“okay…. could you go go buy some fresh orange juice, please?”

“definitely not .”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I’ll squeezed twenty oranges with my bare hands for you.”

The glass was broken, but the picture was intact.

“please tell me, what job are you doing?”

“I’d rather not tell you, it’s sensitive…”

“go on, tell me”

“okay. I’m in the counter blackmailing department with the police”

“I thought you’d end up dog walking!”

” never, after having had a wife like You.”

Tom did not leave her side for ten days in a row, only to get out the garbage, and soon they got the Portrait back.

“I want to tell you a thing, please forgive these friends of yours as they said they are burning with shame. Addiction is a very tricky thing”.

“I’ll need some time for that…”

The End.

I’m as gorgeous as you want me to be…

A couple of Jokes to enjoy a snoozing proof weekend..

1. What do modern cannibals enjoy the most for dinner?
– obese AIs in barbecue sauce!

2. A new cook is enjoying success after the guests can’t stop praising her skills.
She decides to listen a little behind the door for an extra ego boost.
– If this young lady’s food so succulent, says one, just think about how good she would taste with parmesan cheese!
The cook storms into the dining room and says,
– Sorry guys, I’m allergic to parmesan cheese….

3. A man walks into a pet store and asks to be shown the ugliest dog.
– We’re sorry, Sir, we don’t do ugly dogs here… but we’d be very happy to offer you a pig?
– What you on about, pigs don’t understand insults!!!

4. Yet another angry pet store customer brings in his puppy. The puppy looks very happy, unlike his owner.
– Ma’am, I am very disappointed with this dog, he only eats cash notes! I’m already broke after feeding him all my savings for two weeks, and I’m scared I’ll lose my flat.
– That’s not a problem! Just feed him with a currency with very high inflation like Bolivar. Should be cheaper to you!

5. Tracey… look at me! I’ve lost 2 stones with the help of a diet based on chocolate and beer!
– Hey, that’s amazing, could you give me your dietician’s cell number please?
– No, I can’t, he’s serving a long prison sentence for stealing classified diets and selling them!

The End.

Please Share and enjoy your well deserved… or not so well deserved Weekend!!! xxx

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Boxing Day Jokes!

Funny Jokes to share on Boxing Day . Enjoy!

1- A man walks into a petshop named “skilled puppies”.
The clerk shows him around;
– We’ve got this excellent malterser,  great for kids, he is trained to help them with their homework,  win races and tidy the bedroom.
Then we’ve got this cute Yorkshire Terrier who is a gourmet and can help you better your cooking skills.
– Not for me, the customer says.
– We also have this great labrador, he can drive your stunning wife to the mall in your corvette and help her choose nice garments.
– Okay, I’ll take it! How much is it, please?
– Two hundred dollars. Thanks. Here you are Sir, packed and ready!
– Wait a minute… where’s the corvette and my stunning new wife?

2- A young teenager is stopped by Police for not wearing a Mask, for the third time.
– This is the third time we fine you, young man. Can you explain your behavior?
– Sure I can! If you keep fining me I won’t have any cash to buy some masks!!!

3- A young boy who is achieving great grades keeps asking his mum for cash to buy Bitcoins.
The mother dreams his son hits the millions, for his teacher has told her he’s a genius.
She has mentioned to all of her friends about her plans to buy a villa in Costa Rica and retire there early.
But on Christmas Eve she finds a bag of chocolate dices under her genius son’s bed.
– What are these, honey? I told you many times that chocolate rots your teeth..
– They’re my Bitcoins!!!

4- A man sitting at the airport is approached by a young hippy.
– Please, Sir, could you lend me 1000 Dollars for a ticket to Sydney? You see, my girlfriend said she will dump me if I go one more day without visiting her, and she’s the love of my life…
Since the passenger’s loaded wish money,  he doesn’t mind lending this young hippy the cash.
– Here you are young fellow, I hope it all goes well with your lady…
– Thanks! Can I also borrow 400 Dollars to bring back some souvenirs to my mum- who can’t stand my girlfriend?

5-  Mum, I am going out with a real policewoman, I’m so excited!
– Ummm, Johnny, how do you know she’s a real policewoman,  and not a con?
– Well, she tased me twenty times after I failed to satisfy her in bed…

6- An obese woman comes back from Jamaica appearing to have lost 20 Ibs.
– How did you acheive this, girl? Asks her best friend.
– Easy! Every time I asked the dealer for slimming pills, he started to run 3 miles,  and after chasing him for 20 days all my clothes were dropping off!

The End.

That’s all for today, friends!

Thanks for sharing…

The Burning Heater that sent Her Jogging.

How an abusive friend lost her power over her prey to health, fitness, and Love.

One year into the Pandemic, Celia couldn’t help laughing at all those joggers who had taken wise opportunity from the virus to embrace a new healthy life, heading to the Streets of London before sunrise to chase that awesome “joggers high”.

Nope. Instead, she had found a gaming buddy to be a regular at the arcades and shoot dinosaurs.

That day of September, Celia had mentioned to her buddy Lesly how much she missed her Japanese ex, how she was orbiting him online- and how much she wished she could find someone new.

To her appal, Lesly just said ” you must have done something wrong to lose Lee, and you won’t find a boyfriend here at the arcades”.

Suddenly, as the first dinosaur splurged with blood almost staining her t-shirt, Celia remembered she had left the heating on inside her room in her flat!

” I’ve got to run home!! the heater…. I forgot to switch it off… it can cause a fire…”

” Dont be silly, Celiannis! heaters don’t cause fire…”

For the first time she chose to ignore this bully, walk out on here and save her building from disaster.

No time to wait for a bus. She took her high heels off and ran barefoot all the way home, wishing she had never followed Lesly into smoking and drinking, and thinking she had to run as fast as she could, for there were children living in the building.

She had no breathe. She was dying like a dinosaur shot by Lesly.

She even threw away her 200 pound shoes on the way… just to be able to run faster.

Nobody on the street noticed she was barefoot- and she didn’t care either.

Twenty minutes later, oh my Goodness Thank You, there were no fire engines on her street, everything was quiet, no smoke smell… just an awful heat capable of roasting Leslys dinosaurs in five minutes.

Yes, she had left the heater at maximum level because Lesly had been calling her impatiently.

Funnily enough, that night she got a text from Lee asking her if she had rebuilt a new life?!

” You missed all the fun you looney, said Lesly, I beat the record and I had twelve three games, and some hot guys joined in… you wouldn’t have wanted to miss that even if your stuff was on fire!!!”

The next day Celia had excruciating pain up her shins and thighs. And the day after.

Three days later, before going to bed, she switched the heating off and wrote down

“Monday. 8 AM. Warm up, jogging, shower. Look for a job. Clean the heater.”

Like a divine order, her diary woke her up at 5 AM, for it has moved underneath her belly and was giving her dinosaur nightmares.

Celia got up, didn’t switch the heater on at all, and headed to Hyde Park to experience the mysterious joys those go-getters had every morning.

She remembered her shoes, 200 quid! but this didn’t stop her. She could only jog for 6 minutes the first day, 7 the next, and after three months she’s now doing 40 minutes plus dancing lessons after her new job…. at the shop where she bought the heater!

Yes, indeed. She wanted to warn all the customers never to leave a heater unattended.

How about the shoes? Well, this is the best bit. An elderly lady had picked them up and told a bus driver a woman in distress had threw them away, and she pointed at Celia.

After difficult efforts to find her, Sean, the bus driver accidentally bumbed into Celia and told her they had her shoes. He gave her an amazing tour of the Bus Central station and asked her out.

Lesly was furious, but when she burst into tears after 3 months not seeing her friend a tenderly bone emerged to surface, and she told Celia that she had always felt for her as a sister and missed her friendship greatly. She said she would sign up for dancing lessons with her.

Soon Sean found a match for Lesly, and on New Years’ Eve they all went to shoot dinosaurs… in 500 pound High heels!!!

The End.

Based on a true story.

Thanks for reading!

Please Share….

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